Lawyers 1 A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted. ****************************************** Golfers Golf By David Piscotti, Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one. "Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole." "I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds." "The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out." ************************************************************** Lawyers 2 By Emilio of Emergency24, Inc. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." *************************************************************** Bullfighters How many Spanish bullfighters does it take to change a lightbulb? Only Juan **************************************************************** Politicians Subject: Off to See the Wizard > The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin > to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to > the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. > > "What brings you before the Great Wizard? What do you want?" > > Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so > I've come for some courage." > > "No problem" says the Wizard, "who is next?" > > Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..., Well..., Well..., I need a new > portion of my brain." > > "Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great Wizard?" > > Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a > heart." > > Says the Wizard: "Consider it done" > > Then there is a great silence. All eyes turn to Bill Clinton, who is just > standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. > > Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What brings you to the Emerald City?" > > Bill replies, "Is Dorothy around?" *************************************************** paraphrased from "by Peter of http://www.7metasearch.com" - - - - - - - An Explorer was walking through the Huge Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards it, only to find a little old local sitting at a little old table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Explorer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The little old local replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robe." The Explorer shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice local I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant with lots of water. Walk that way." The Explorer thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Explorer came crawling back to where the little old local was sitting behind his little old table. The little old local said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Explorer rasped, "I found it all right but they wouldn't let me in without a tie." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Accountants (and Engineers) Traveling by Ganiyat Eloshia - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being accountants). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -