These forwarded by our good friend Eileen Hobson, of Haslemere, Surrey - UK (Eileen is the author of "Poems for all the Family" ISBN 1-85756-262-3) Serious warning - Do not read this whilst eating! By the same token, if there is anyone you don't like, make sure to give it to them whilst they are eating...... -----Original Message----- Subject: The Bible, By Children The following statements about the bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kids Test Papers These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids: 1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." 2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water" 3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube" 4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" 5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" 6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." 7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." 8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." 9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." 10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." 11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." 12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." 13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." 14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u." 15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects." 16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." 17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." 18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." 19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight." 20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." 21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception." 22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." 23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." 24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies." 25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." 26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." 27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." 28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." 29. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives." 30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." 31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." 32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." 33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration." 34. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." 35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." 36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." 37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium." 38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat." 39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------